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Romance

Am I too romantic? It seems, unfortunately, that I am. I look for ‘true love’, for ‘happily ever after’ but the life I’m longing for is one that can never truly exist. Not in this world. Who’s fault is that? Who can I blame for this defect of heart and mind?

Should I blame myself? Perhaps. I am undoubtedly cursed with a vivid imagination and, given the chance, could live for weeks, even months, inside my own fantasy world. However, imagination is not the same as romanticism. Also, it feels unpleasant to accept full responsibility for my own shortcomings.

Instead, I choose to blame Hollywood. Movies are always cited for their glorification of sex and violence but what of their arguably more damaging crime? The glorification of romance. How many little girls have, like me, been ruined forever by a diet of Disney heroines and their Princes Charming? Of Destiny, Soul Mates and ‘Boy meets Girl’?

Books too are culpable. From Pride and Prejudice to Bridget Jones we are plied with the crack cocaine of Finding Mr Right. I didn’t stand a chance.

During the years since my last, great, tragic romance I created a template for my ideal man. Specific, from physique and colouring to temperament and personality, and I would settle for nothing less than perfection. I had no need to settle. I was happy in my solitude. Content to be single and serene, untroubled by any strong emotion and not willing to risk my heart unnecessarily. Waiting for The One.

Then the Spring came. This potent Spring that reached deep inside me and somehow switched on the passion that had been hibernating for so long. I felt myself opening like a flower in the sun. I was ready to love. Ready to risk… but on who?

I looked around and found a man I had known for years. A man who seemed to fit my template, though not exactly. But I did not nitpick. I was awash with passion and romantic ideas and there was no stopping me.

It even felt like a love story: years of friendship and constant devotion, two people kept apart by circumstances and bad timing. The heavens would align, destiny would take it’s course and true love would prevail!

Bollocks

Did I shoe-horn this man into the space meant for my ideal? Did I ignore the aspects that didn’t quite fit because the overall effect was so pleasing? You bet I did! But also, I wanted it to work, so very much. It seemed so right, so ‘meant to be’. It just couldn’t fail. The problem was, it wasn’t a love story. It was real. Two very flesh and blood people with sadly different ideas on what ‘love is’.

My friend SG has a man who seems perfect: caring, considerate, imaginatively romantic. My brain tells me he is exceptional, that SG is uniquely fortunate, but my heart – my wayward, stubborn, romantic heart – says “Where there is one there must be more”. It sees hope where none exists.

Today, speaking to one of the beautiful, clever, sweet and entirely unavailable men who plague my life, I just barely managed to hold back the tears. “Why aren’t you mine?” I was screaming inside, “Why do I never get the happy ending?”

Because there is no happy ending. Not in this world.

Despite what I have been led to believe, I will not die from a broken heart.  So, I will give myself a mental shake, paste on a bright smile and carry on.  Though all the time, through gritted teeth, I will be whispering curses on the memory of Walt Disney.

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2 thoughts on “Romance”

  1. Aw don't blame yourself and don't give up on your romantic ideals. Curt and I both have the same idea of romantic love. He had 2 tragic romances and was alone a lot. I looked for a happy ending with everyone who came along and was seldom single (which is far worse I think). We didn't meet until I was 35 and had long since given up on any idea of happy marriage or motherhood.

    My ideals didn't come from films but certainly from books, and the long and seemingly blissful marriages of both my aunts who, being sixteen and eighteen years older than my mother belonged to an entirely different generation.

    You never know when you're going to meet “the one”. At least this last relationship didn't drag on for months or years without either of you being unable to voice that something wasn't right. And these days you could meet someone at 50 or 60 and still have decades of happiness together. Don't give up hope xxx

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  2. I am to have another year go by soon and have 2 serious relationships in my lifetime and a lot of short term “things”. One relationship which did not end with a proposal, I saved up the funds to leave him before my proposed deadline for a proposal. The other my husband, whom turned out to be a child and a bad choice on my part. You are normal to want the romance. By God, I have read Bridget Jones and Pride and Prejudice too. And all of Diana Gabaldon I rent chick flicks. I read classic literature and History and then secretly hide and read Bodice Rippers with a passion, even though I mock it because all the females are weak, 20-ish and virginal. You are human to want the connection of mind to mind, heart to heart, flesh to flesh. Don't knock yourself for your humanity. I am human too and want the same thing. But I also am very much afraid of my choices. I do not choose well. I have not chosen worthy men in my lifetime. So, I am hoping for some divine guidance to help me with that.

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