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Alien

My life is not very jolly at the moment and I seem powerless to improve my situation.  In the old days I would have just run off abroad and lost myself in the wonders of the world.  Now that I have a home that I love and a job I’d hate to lose, I no longer have that option.  I have to stay put and struggle with the emotion.  The Runes (yes, the Runes) tell me to be strong and patient because a new chapter is about to open in my life.  That’s easy for them to say.  They are just little bits of wood.

Why do I have so much difficulty with human relationships?  It’s not through want of trying, I assure you, but I just can’t seem to get the hang of it.

It’s partly in my genes I think.  My grandad was a fairly solitary man but he blamed that on being in a house full of women.  My mother is professionally anti-social and feel I am pretty much at the tip of that particular evolutionary branch.  A creature less social than myself would be physically unable to reproduce…

I also think I suffered from spending my formative years in hospital rather than with my family.  I don’t believe I was able to learn proper social skills in that environment.  I am brilliant at forming instant but transient connections with strangers – doctors and nurses for example. It’s the lasting bonds I can’t seem to forge.

In the last year or so I’ve had a lot of discussions with friends about relationships, human nature and whatnot.  It is, of course, a vast and thorny topic.  I think I understand something and then, in a moment, everything turns on it’s head.  I’ve gained some useful incites from discussions with male friends – information from the enemy camp, so to speak.  I’ve seen what men do but they helped me to understand (a little) why they do it.  To women, I think male behaviour can seem brutal and cruel but I believe more and more that it is often just entirely thoughtless.

Although better than cruelty, thoughtlessness is still a very bad thing when you’re on the receiving end.

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1 thought on “Alien”

  1. I really hear you ! I am extremely antisocial and have no real lasting relationships apart from my marriage.

    I don't do the whole best friend thing and haven't ever been one to keep in touch with people for any length of time. I haven't spoken to any of my family in the last five years.

    I well remember the years of being happily alone, but sometimes too alone. The unsuitable partners and friends I tried to imagine would fit into the hole in my life. The feeling bruised from even the slightest social interactions. The second-guessings and self doubt.

    I was so lucky to find the right person eventually, but not until I was in my mid-thirties. I needed someone exactly like myself who wanted to be with me, exclusively, all the time. A very tall order but somehow we found each other.

    I still get the panic attacks and lingering resentments from socialising generally, but the loneliness is gone.

    So I think what I'm trying to say is not to blame yourself. You are wonderful as you are. I think our society attaches blame and selfishness and oddity to the idea of being a loner, of not joining in and that's wrong. And also not to lose hope. If you want someone in your life I'm sure that the right person is out there, just hard to find. Don't let the misery of a wrong choice stop you looking. xxx

    Like

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