travel tales

Customs

In four short days I shall be winging my way towards a wretched life in a Texan prison. My only hope of survival will be to find a gigantic woman (perhaps her name will be Beulah) and to make myself her little bitch. I will live in the desperate hope of obtaining parole… but I will hope in vain. Why? Because I will have committed a heinous and unforgivable crime: making “wise-ass remarks” to a United States Customs official…

serious
serious

I truly am a little worried about this. I am (I freely admit) a person prone to conversation. I chat. I quip. I often talk back… I am likely to end my days in the Dallas County Jail!

If I am to avoid this dark and terrible fate I must strive to be a good and quiet little tourist. The perfect vacationing paragon. I must do nothing to provoke the petty functionaries nor bring down their bureaucratic wrath upon my head.

To this end I have complied a customs checklist for myself:

  • Try to look innocent… though not ostentatiously so
  • Do not seek to make eye contact but avoid appearing shifty
  • Don’t be sarcastic
  • Smile (but don’t grin – you’ll look like a crazy person)
  • Speak only when spoken to and use only one word answers (if this can be done without appearing rude or uncooperative)
  • Avoid sarcasm
  • Refrain from any “friendly chat”
  • Make no jokes. Avoid witticisms. Eschew jest
  • DO NOT, at any time, GET SARCASTIC
Getting chucked in the clink could really put a crimp in my holiday plans!
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