serious stuff

to my beloved

My life with you was so good. I had so many opportunities to learn and experience new things. Without you now, I just make half-hearted plans and I cry.

I’ve been thinking about some of the presents you’ve given me, the ones that mean the most. Do you want to know what they are? These are in no particular order:

  • the cuckoo clock – you took time when you were working to buy me something beautiful
  • the little spinning xmas candle reflector thing – it’s like a shared childhood memory we have
  • the keys to your house – the most precious thing I’ve ever received
  • the offer of your car – this felt like the promise of a future for us
  • my skis – the skis themselves and the experience of overcoming my fear, being in the mountains and sking with you
  • the valentine flowers you gave me in Germany – it took some effort for you to find these and I appreciated the thought so much
  • the flower you bought for me at a restaurant in Kraków – this seemed like a direct response to something that had happened the night before, when I was upset by a waitress that couried up to you (though you did nothing to encourage her). It seemed like the closest you get to an overt public display of affection and it made me very happy
  • the flower and poem you gave me this year – I really didn’t expect anything so it was a lovely surprise and just so very beautiful
  • the chance to try for a baby – I’ve already told you no-one has ever done so much for me as this. Even my pregnancy – short and tragic though it was – was a wonderful, happy experience I never would have had without you

You keep saying you’re no good at relationships but the truth is, when you’re not too busy fighting with yourself and taking it out on me, you are a truly wonderful man.

I miss that man every single day.

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