Singing from the heart

I was singing this morning, for the first time in many months. Not just humming along with iTunes either. This was full throated, from the heart singing. This is a very good sign.

I don’t sing when I’m sad – not even in the shower – and I’ve been very sad for a very long time…

This is Walter Koops. I bought him just before I lost the baby
This is Walter Koops – a symbol of my lost baby

At the turn of the year I had a miscarriage. My first and only pregnancy, after 3 years of trying. I lost my baby and it broke my heart.

My little, lost baby would have been born two days ago.

During the run up to my former ‘due date’ I thought about my loss. A lot. I cried. There was a lot of that too. I expected the 21st – the ‘birthless day’ – to be the worst day of all. Oddly it was not.

I spent the afternoon with the man who would have been the daddy and I cried a little then. However, for the remainder of that day I actually felt pretty calm. I felt my grief lifting and I realised the dark, sucking emptiness inside me had gone.

I suspected things were getting brighter for me – and today’s singing seems to be proof of that.

I still feel the loss, and I still feel sadness. But no longer so deeply or so constantly. I’m finding a way to go on living my life. This is a very good sign.

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